sometimes i have diarrhea of the mouth

that will be all.

what the fuck

i had a weird cabride home last night. right when i got in, the cabbie asked if i wanted pizza. uh, no... obvs if i'd wanted pizza, i would have gotten some before getting into the cab. and then, he farted.

???

nowhere near as weird as the crazed religious female cabbie i had in dc, who played christian rock, had recruiting pamphlets everywhere, and kept saying hallelujahs and praise the lords! but still, very strange.

i find this funny

but you probably won't. unless you were there. since you can't see anything. but! you can hear and see the impact. nevertheless, here is the video from new year's eve, when i decided to kick andy in the stomach. i dunno, the absurdity of it all sends me into giggles. so yeah, watch out. when i'm drunk i may randomly administer a quick kick to your midsection. consider yourself warned.

a study in genealogy

over dinner with my parents a few nights ago, i went over the list of traits i've gotten from my dad: my (former) bad eyes, oily skin, oily hair, my short genes (my paternal grandfather was only 5'4", holy fuck!), my fat genes... i glare at him. he suggests that i got some smartness from him, and i concede that point. a bit. he is dumb and ignorant about some things, like homosexuality.
update: of course, he blessed me with my drinking genes. i owe it all to him that i'm not a cheap date! yay team dad.

these are hideous, just beyond words. they are wrong in every single way.

paddy schmaddy

i've never understood the big deal about st patty's day, to non-irish people. it's like yeahhhh, gonna get DRUNK tonight. why the fuck do you care? you're not irish! it's like an irish person getting all excited about cinco de mayo. what? as if you need a reason to get wasted, you alkie. i'm an equal opportunist - every day is fair game to me.

oh my god i need help

i've bought four pairs of shoes in the past month. when will it end!!! my poor, beleagured, overcrowded closet floors.

hey baby, i have thick corneas

i am getting lasik. very, very soon. the surgery would not be possible if i had corneas of an average thickness, but i do not. mine are very thick, as the eye doctors have told me in a much admiring manner. how exciting.

and again

psycho nasty neighbor had another episode this morning. there was drilling going on outside, and i heard some pounding and stomping from next door. i imagined him jumping around in a rage. hey, i threw a tanty like that or two... when i was eight. he then took the fit out in the hall by yelling at a neighbor, screaming, "i fucking hate you! you're a fucking faggot! i fucking hate faggots! i fucking hate you and your faggot dog!"

classy, no? such an evolved human...

i like green shoes

i bought a second pair of green shoes from the same store over the weekend. i just can't stop. now i have an impressive collection of heels that i can't really walk in. but i love them.

shoe porn: