open letter to my neighbor

hey asshole!

yeah, you 5'5" loud-mouthed prick. countless times over the past 2 1/2 years have i been woken up by your inconsiderate behavior. you've worked in the bar downstairs for years (yet haven't managed to rise above barback, hmm) and like to bring friends/girls to your pad when you're off. listen genius, pumping your shit music loudly at 4am on a weekday isn't going to win you any friends. nor is jackhammering away at a girl so hard the entire bed scrapes against the floor. as if the banging headboard isn't bad enough. idea! move the bed away from the wall so everyone in the building doesn't know exactly what is going on in your bedroom, and how long you last (or not). christ, listening to that makes me want to reach for that chastity belt and throw away the key. how about being nice to your neighbors and not picking fights with them because their dog brushed against your door. and, one more! how about being nice to your friends and not bawling at them on the phone, screaming fuck you? wait, i lied. there's one more. deciding to plug in that guitar at 5am (also during the week) and blasting full volume? not such a great idea. you can't play, and you can't sing. you should really stop. i understand you are a short guy and have napoleon syndrome. just get over it, because you're never going to grow another two inches. you had a girlfriend a few months back, a girl who looked so young she might have been jailbait. i had to listen to you manipulate the poor misguided girl and it made me sick to my stomach. i despise you, ryan. you are a douchebag and a waste of space.

sincerely,
snarkylush