the bitch is back

thailand was absolutely amazing. i don't even know where to start. i know i already wrote about the food, but it is pretty much impossible to get a bad meal there. i would have been more adventurous regarding street food had i been sure i would not have gotten any meat. ie, the 2 canadian women thought they were getting sticky rice but ended up with a mouthful of raw pork. yum-my! mmm, sticky rice



i know it doesn't look like much, but one try and you'll know what i'm talking about. that topped with egg custard cannot be beat. you'll be like chocolate what? i cried twice from the sheer spiciness of the food. word to the wise: pick the chilis out of the curry.

i impressed myself with my lack of bug-phobia while away. let's see, i saw a giant rat (at least 2x the size as any i've seen in ny) at the restaurant the first night... best not to ask too many questions and not think too hard on what you're putting in your mouth. i saw a spider 2 inches wide in the shower at the beach bungalow. i didn't even blink an eye as i stepped over a cockroach in the common bathroom at above bungalows. i saw a giant "lizard" in the picnic area of a beach. ok, this thing was fucking huge. looked much more like a baby croc than a lizard. i braved my share of squat toilets. even if it was a western style toilet, if there is no flush you're not supposed to throw any paper in the bowl. so me and katrine were talking about this and i said, well sometimes there is no garbage or anything. she goes, "you just stick it in your pocket." haha, ok katrine. "i'm serious." yes, haha, i know katrine. in other words, i roughed it a little bit. oh here is what the view was like from my bungalow, ie heaven and an ideal honeymoon destination:



another view



this was on a tiny, secluded muslim island and the definite highlight of the trip. here are my babies:



not sure if you can see just how tiny they actually were. they were living on the porch of one of my friends' bungalows. they were adorable and emaciated as it seems their bitch of a mother abandoned them. i could easily lift one up in each hand and all i felt was a mass of protruding bones and ribs. it was so sad. we fed them as well as we could while we were there.

phuket i could do without and will definitely not be back. it is a mass of tourists, mostly eurotrash. we had fun times trying to guess the nationalities of particularly obnoxious people. i saw the sex trade in full effect. some ladyboys were gorgeous and are prettier girls than me. there was one who worked at the hotel in ao nang who i thought was the cutest thing ever. but then you would get these gargantuan (like 6 foot), obviously males, but with boobs. highly disturbing. also disturbing was all the whitening bleach. i don't know what it is with asians' fixation with being as pale as possible, but girls would walk around with bleach on their faces that was obviously about 10 shades too light, so they ended up looking kind of gray. not attractive, to my eyes anyway. so me and my london mate were wondering where all the old white guys were picking up these thai women. well david (the explorer) took us through the redlight district one night and there were alleyways (not even proper alleys) but you'd see sooooo many whores. in front of restaurants, in them, inside bars, out on the street. our question was answered. we wandered into one bar and david and i were immediately accosted. they were not all hot by any means, but i guess it just doesn't matter to some guys. i was really really skeeved out by the couples. typically, it'd be a middle-aged guy with a wedding ring on his finger, bleached and spiked hair (in an attempt to look youthful?) with some thai woman. she'd either look ok, cos she was getting fed and getting drinks, or she'd look miserable. more puzzling were younger guys who didn't really appear to need to pay for sex. but whatever. boys being boys. i even saw a few of these couples at the airport. the guys would either be paying them to say goodbye, or pay their way to wherever else they were going in asia. it was total rent-a-girlfriend, and i thought these jackasses must be so very lonely.

the tour group was alright. honestly i would have been lost without the london girl so i am glad there was someone around my age who liked to have a little fun. one night i found myself with her and her gay irish workmates and some very rowdy irish girls playing drinking games like i was 17. good times. i was the heaviest drinker on the tour, which was problematic to say the least. the one thing i will miss like mad (already do) are the thai massages. i had one almost every day. 2 were utter crap, but this one guy, the MAN, was fucking amazing. if you're ever in ao nang, go to taak massage and ask for the male massage teacher. he will change your life.

i think i'm going to have to add singapore to my list of places to go. i don't think any other airline comes to near to them, and the airport was a really nice place to have a 4+ hour layover. i gymmed and showered (in luxe surroundings), i shopped... the airport itself is very warm and welcoming, as opposed to the cold sterility of frankfurt. those ever efficient germans security checked me two times, but i guess it was worth it for that hefeweisen. the only german i managed to speak was, "ein bitburger bitte" on my first way through (which was bitter as, not recommended). couldn't understand a thing and was highly disappointed in myself. so! german lesson, take 3.

anyway, here is a typical beachside scene.



these are long tail boats, and there is little better than sitting out front on one of these with the breeze blowing and the sun shining. speedboats aren't bad either.



mmmm, more bugs! open wide.

and of course a post on asia would not be complete without some engrish.



my purchases:
3 fishermen pants (2 for me, one for bug) $8.50
2 knives, 1 julienner (1 knife for mom, julienner is awesome! dinner parties here i come) $10.50
1 beach mat, also perfect for picnics should i ever get my shit together enough for that $1.50
3 silk pillow covers $8.25
3 bottles of whiskey (one for dad) $9.75
1 custom made, tailored wool cashmere suit $90 - i'm gonna look dead professional at interviews