myspace diarrhea

Friday, June 17, 2005

read it and weep
Current mood: horny

Time Out New York is just shy of its tenth birthday. But the London mothership has been around for at least 35 years, and it’s been putting out the Time Out guidebooks for a good chunk of that time. Our West Coast correspondent recently (and inexplicably) happened across a copy of Time Out’s New York Guide from 1990. Some hi-larious highlights, from the section on neighborhoods:




East Village: The East Village is regarded by some New Yorkers as a no-go area. Which is a bit cautious of them, to say the least. … The street is is packed until the early hours, and incorporates an odd mix of cheap chic, Ukranian immigrants, the homeless, students and ‘young professionals’ who have been attracted to the East Village by reasonably priced housing.



Lower East Side: Orchard Street is the reason most uptowners venture south of 14th Street. As it has been for the last century, the street — from Hester right up to East Houston — is lined with discount clothing stores, selling everything from shoes, shirts and suits, to designer lingere [sic] and fashionable leather clothes.



Tribeca: Although it’s supposed to be as fashionable as neighbouring SoHo, much of what used to be known as the Lower West Side, and is now TriBeCa — which, of course, means Triangle Below Canal (south of Canal from Broadway to the Hudson, and north of the Financial District) — seems to have escaped gentrification, although it’s the favoured by such loft-livers as Cher, Robert de Niro, Wall Street bond dealers and a few artists who can still afford it. … Yet the neighbourhood is quite wind-swept, grit gets in your eye as cars speed past on Sixth Avenue, and many of the marvellous cast-iron buildings show signs of rust under their shabby coats of paint.



The Outer Boroughs: For many Manhattan-centric New Yorkers the city’s four outer boroughs are as distant as California and as different. But together they represent a rich ethnic and cultural mix.




And, in the “Brooklyn” subsection, not a single mention of Williamsburg. Ah, to dream.



the past few weeks have been a blur. my first friend has become a missus. i heard the electric slide for the first time in ten years. i've been to the nation's capital, an undeniably ugly (person) city with zero scene - and vowed to never go back. i've finally driven in manhattan. i've survived another book! expo! america! i got through my mom's operation and cancer scare. i had my first taco hell experience - refried beans are so very wrong in so very many ways... i've had my ass rocked by the likes of spoon, lcd soundsystem, and bloc party. i made it through one religious zealot cabbie who wouldn't shut up, and another crazy israeli cabbie who also wouldn't shut up and made me listen to his shit for 50 minutes. i am done with good deeds - for the summer/


ps. advertisments are really fucking hard to create.


pps. i want to livejournal but i can't think of a username!




Friday, May 13, 2005

hooray!
Current mood: blah

first summer friday today, yayyy, yippee! it could not have started on a better day. i am feeling a bit shaky. this is -by far- the best aspect of working in publishing. all week i've been close to weeping with boredom.




Wednesday, May 04, 2005

best.
Current mood: sore

vacation. ever. big thanks go to all who made it happen.

i'm sure i consumed more alcoholic beverages in the 9 days than in any other period of my life. my poor, poor liver.

coachella ended up being awesome. the early part of the day was spent looking for people and not finding them. it got much, much better later on. or was that the beer?
my whole body hurts. i'm getting too old to do this shit, but sweaty and pale hipsters sure are funny. i saw a chemical brother at the palm springs airport. i'm already sick again. my nose was stuffed the night i got home (me and afrin=bff) and now my throat is raw. three cheers to my system of un-immunity.

i have to say... my bed is so, so great.

on april 29, 1:06pm est colin downie states,

"We were lucky that we had an amasing tour guide, Evelyn, who gave us all the hot tips on where to go, where to shop etc. If it wasn't for her we probably would have been at Planet Holliwood and the Hard Rock Cafe. "

what a ringing endorsement! i would never let a friend of mine near a hard rock anyways.





Thursday, March 31, 2005

. .
Current mood: sleepy

i want to crawl under my desk and lay down.

best ev line award may go to mmh for: he's cute in an ugly english kind of way.





Monday, March 28, 2005

l'histoire de le boosh
Current mood: distressed

gather round little children, it's story time!

back in the day, wee jonah and i were innocently enjoying a night of punk metal karaoke. the crowd was clearing when wj poked me and said, "psst! look at that guy. is.. is that his bush?"

i look over to an over-hipstered little individual. 5 foot nothing, he had the requisite leather jacket, fingerless gloves, and ball demolishing tight jeans. i waited for him to turn around, and then i saw it. a full inch or more of pure glorified bush, blowing in the wind, because he was wearing a shrunken tee. "yeah that would be his fucking bush. iew. so gross."

we cackled some more and left. i got some great story-telling mileage out of him, and dubbed him the 'bushmonster.' the idea of capturing him and his bush on film and posting 'wanted' flyers downtown even came up. a few weeks later, i had my second run-in with le bush. i was at a store opening, which was located belowground. the stairs going down to the store were a bit like a runway, as in everyone could see who was coming in. and down comes the bushmonster, happy trail and a whole lot more highly obvious in the well-lit space. disbelief at his grossness abounded.

and then i saw him again in a cafe in wburg. i saw the little troll-like figure with ratnest hair out of the corner of my eye as i walked in, then took a casual glance around the room. there was no mistaking it was him when i saw the telltale inch of bush protruding from his jeans. i got all excited. i got in a prime spying spot and tried to snap a picture of the injustice on my camera phone, but it was too dark for my crappy camera phone to take a good shot. i was heartbroken. i watched him slowly pull one fingerless glove on at a time, and walk right out of my life. well i didn't know it at the time. i was sure i'd see him again randomly, but i never did.

so if anyone has seen a little troll-like hipster figure walking around, please let me know! it's been a long time, and i miss him so. i want desperately to go shopping with him and show how to purchase pants that fit. even little skinny boys can find proper pants, wj is a prime example of this. or, failing that, i could totally give him some hair removal tips. remember, there are innocent kiddies out there on the streets who don't deserve to be accosted by the bush!





Wednesday, March 16, 2005

and he said
Current mood: touched

you must've made an arrangement with the wallflowers because you're a REAL flower.

wha


Thursday, October 07, 2004

my satisfied mood
Current mood: satisfied

peeling dry skin [from sunburn] is as much fun as playing with split
ends. there i said it. i'm just one of the few who'll admit it.



nice new features, myspace journal. chin chin.





Sunday, August 01, 2004

i'm such a spaz

the ultimate in drunk emailing - this wasn't even recently, but has withstood the test of time. truly scary stuff.

so soory, will exlin ehn o\. willtwlk motr later

really really sorry... about last night. it got way ouf of hand, bu not in a
good way. i called my boss and said work... not capabale of doing int
to, less
$ for me. hry, if you're ininterested ok im hallociningn thigsw is
in his

sooos sorry about last night. i hopw you did't have go nu fuck. willi


i guess i was sorry about something??




Tuesday, January 06, 2004

e for veronica / OPERATION JONAH ASS

andrew just called me from australia. yayyyy andrew if you ever read this. that was awesome. i'm so jealous of you.

here's a story. this really drunk guy was bothering me and my friend at a bar one night. i think his name was eric, amazing that i remember since i'm shit at names. anyway, he was really annoying. i think he was older and had an issue with aging cos he kept saying how when he was clean shaven, yadda yadda, he looked really young. so me & m are using aliases all night - she switched it up every time, but i kept it simple stupid. i went by veronica, a name that's kind of chi chi/dumb in my mind. so he compliments my necklace and asks what it is. (it is an "e")-and that's what i tell him. and he gets this bright look of comprehension on his face, and says, "oh, an e! like v-E in veronica. i get it, that's cool."


----
i am now taking submissions for OPERATION JONAH ASS. if you can't figure out what that is... i'm sorry. be cute and preferably slightly squeezable. in the nyc area is good, too. dudes, send in some lonely femmes you know of. it's cold out, some of yous have got to be wanting some cuddle action! shit, i'm such a good friend (or maybe just plain old EVIL, ahaha).



Friday, December 19, 2003
gag me with a FUCKING SPOON
i'm SO SICK of being bothered by loser halfwits. i think out of every 10 people who contact me, there's one i would actually talk to. what do i do to deserve all this?? they don't read anything i write on my page, so we can all have a good laugh at their expense here. here's a nice compilation of the best of the best.

"hey sup just passing byN thought u were kute so I wanted to say hi, hope u dont mind.. "

actually, i do mind. and now i'm making fun of your ass.
the pictures on this one are golden.
www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=225027

"whats up...ur a cutieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...do u have a bf? hehe i would take u out anytime...hehe whats ur AIM? "

i think i'd rather do a survivor/fear factor-esque type thing and eat cockroaches than go out with this schmuck

"hey.im victor and i was wondring if we can have a chat or something?be it on the phone or on the net?are you asian?coz i am. "

watch out, this one's a rocket scientist! i am actually of swedish extraction.... what, you mean you can't tell?? a real winner of a pic, too. is that dog real?
www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=486675

"Hello, Would u like to talk with me, my name is mike and i live in new york....and im 20 years old? "

ok, not such a funny message. but the picture is awesome. it's... a fatty flexing his non-existent muscles. i'm not lying.
www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=408237

"liked your pics and your profile is cool. i am in astoria queens which is like 5 mins from the city once i drive over the 59 street bridge, i am open to trying anything, if you think you wouldlike to chat sometimemy alt email is - here is my pic and i have more if you would like to see them. i am 23 5'10" work out 5-6 times a week and i have my own consulting firm, i am interested in smart sexy ambitious women, if you think you fit the bill and i fit yours well please do drop me a line and let me know if i can bring a smile to your face sometime, btw i am an avid wine connoisseur. "

there's a nice cut and paste job. your wine connoisseurism is whoa impressive.

"Hello, how are you? I saw your profile and you really seem nice I was hoping to find out how nice you really are. If you want to chat, have some laugh’s and exchange some file just hi me back for a chat… Tristan… PS: You have really nice pic’s posted are you as good looking in person? "

no, i'm actually 200 pounds overweight. the wonders of photoshop. jackass....

"Body: hey evelyn!~ hhmmm any chance we be friend? hehe like ya pic!~ hope ya reply me k hehe "there are two more hehes than are necessary"~hi..i wanna make more new pllz on here.so if u dun mind dat im addin u as friends... so write me back if u hab a chance... talk 2 u soon. bye ~stan "

i'm sorry, 'stan magicman' - i can't understand a word you just said. since when is "hab" a word? www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=56034

"seeking dark, fun, sexual, artistic, passionate, weirdo ;-)"

i am scared.
www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=187922

"You're pretty cute and I love your profile. Wanna talk sometime? "

dude looks like he's 50!
www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=293029

"why is it that asian girls with frikels only date white guys...im such a sucker for asian girls with frikels to man! sigh....such a sucker i am. oh well."frikels, huh"wowz... you is a cutie!!! "

sound of dry retching. wow, that car makes me hot!
www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=219860

"Hey what's up?? Just saw your ad and wanted to hit you up cuz.... well... because your beautiful!!! LOL!! Anyways... my name's Jason. Im 26 yrs old, Hawaiian/White. 6'1" 225 lbs. w/short brown hair and brown eyes. Im a prison guard in the Navy. AIght then, if you wanna get to know me or whatever, then hit me up.... hope to hear from you soon.... Jason "

OMHYGOD i've always wanted to go out with a prison guard!!! now my fantasy can come true!!!

fucksters

"Hi Evelyn how r u doing?anything new?how is life treating ya?how was ur thanksgiving?just wanted to drop a line hope u dont mind Myung p.s. keep in touch"

do i know you?? whyyy would i keep in touch with you? myung?? he's a hottie, too. www.friendster.com/user.jsp?id=99921694

"hey their whats up just wanted to meet u holla at th kid i live on long island too. just seen a asian girl who look good to meet a asian boy see u later"

this is my friend, johnny. i admit to snapping and ripping him a new asshole. i don't really feel bad about it, either

"hey shawty....your lookin so beautiful...even though your way out of my league, i would really like to get to know you...holla at me(wink)"

this - is called online STALKERISM

"where in long island do you live??"
"liked your pic and wanted to say helloshai"
"hey evelyn...just saw ur pic ...how are you.... "
"whats ur aol screen name i wanna im u.. "

for fuck's sake, would you get a clue!

"would love to get to know you better lets chill and have good timesAndre"

no.

"hey cutieMessage:will you be my friend? = )"

eewww.
www.friendster.com/user.jsp?id=1926682



Sunday, November 30, 2003
pretty computer
i got my new g5. it is AWESOME. i'm so in love with it. i am transferring hundreds of cds so i can rock out on my ipod.in other news, my dad got stinking drunk on thanksgiving. sometime over the past 5 years, he's become known as the token drunk at every dinner party. but this time, he got excessively drunk and it was really embarrassing. he fell out of his chair. me and little sister put him to bed.like father like daughter? hmmm.